Yes, for some time now I have had sleeplessness......this doesn't seem to be just a once in a while kind of thing. It seems to be every single cotten pickin' night lately. I have had many nights of not being able to sleep over the course of my life but, lately it just seems to be never ending. I am getting so afraid that when I actually feel tired, I don't really want to go to bed because I am afraid that I will wake up.
I seem to be able to fall asleep most nights no problem. But, over the last week or two I have been waking at about the same time each night and then start tossing and turning and going over all kinds of things in my head and, of course, this makes things that much worse. My mind is telling me that I really want to sleep but at the same time it tells me that I need to get up and do things.
I say that all this waking up and thinking, tossing and just plain being awake in the middle of the nhight has caused most of my weight gain and failed attempts at losing it at all. I am extremly frustrated. I have tried exercise before sleeping. I have tried warm milk. I have tried just going to bed when I am tired. I have tried nice relaxing showers. I have tried a massage (of sorts). I have even tried some pills to get myself to sleep. All this to no avail.
I have yet to figure out exactly why this is happening to me. I feel like the incredible non-sleeping person. I can honestly say that I don't like noise of any sort while I sleep and if I happen to hear noise when trying to get back to sleep or can't just seem to get comfortable, it only makes the situation worse. I really can't tolerate it when I wake up and my husband is in bed and is snoring. That makes my heart race and makes it worse. But, if he doesn't come to bed by a certain time, then I wake up. I feel as though I am not able to win this battle.
Here it is now at 3:30 in the morning and I have probably been awake for more than 2 hours already. Went to bed at around 10:30 and went to sleep around 11 after reading. Woke at around 12:15 because the husband hadn't come to bed yet. Fell asleep and didn't hear him come in tonight, but at 1:30 woke up. Have been tossing and turning since then and finally got myself up out of bed and started crying and pacing and here it is at this hour in the night when all others have had at least 3 hours of sleep by now. I don't know what I am to do.....If I go to bed when I am tired, I can't sleep, if it exercise or whatever, I don't get enough sleep......guess the question is, 'what is the right amount of sleep for me?'
I am still waiting for that answer......and then, will I actually start losing weight if I can sleep through the night? I do notice that on most nights when this happens, I can actually not eat before bed, but will gain anywhere from 3-5 lbs!!!! How ridiculous!!!
well, guess I will ready/study for a while now before everyone gets up! See ya later!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Change
My how we all change over time. I sat last week and had some very challenging things to grow into. There was a ton of activity at home and then there was a teaching that I was asked to prepare for on Friday night. Our prayer team at church is called P.U.S.H. ; which means Pray Until Something Happens. Well, we had planned to do an all night prayer time of learning and teaching. At about the minute I was asked to prepare something to teach, I think I panicked and went numb.
What was I to teach, how was I to write something I didn't feel qualified to tell everyone else and how well would it be received. Then, I came to realization that no matter what I said, unless it was ordained by God that I do it, then I was never going to be good enough. I think I learned more from just putting all the teaching together than from actually being prepared for the time.
At the event, there was 4 teachers who were involved. It was a nice time. It was an easy time to be awake for all who came. We had a really good turnout. And we thank God that so many were able and willing to come. Then, there was the song preparation for Sunday morning. That was a whole nother idea in itself. I was petrified and didn't want to ruin it and didn't feel prepared. Well, there I was up on the stage prepared to sing and then the music began. I was lost and the music didn't want to cooperate. I had a lot of comments because I didn't sing. I think people were more impressed that I didn't sing than that I did. Oh well, not to be disappointed.
So, I was asked to prepare for the possibility of doing something that night at the evening service, well we had a wonderful spirit-filled service and I felt ok that it was almost over. Then, the pastor startled me and asked me to sing anyway, so I gave it a shot. I think it was ok.
Oh yes, change has come and gone over time. The oldest comes and asks me questions and I can't believe that time has brought me closer to the point where she will be able to make her own decisions for her life and base her own future on her own choices. I hope that I have done everything right by her and not done damage. I am so thankful that she is a beautiful young woman who is being formed by God to His will. I pray every day that she is strong enough to stand by her own convictions and do what is right and make good choices, and that she will marry a man who has the same beliefs that she carries.
It makes me cry to think that, now that all the changes I think I have been ready the handle are here, how much I am going to miss having the little girl around who just needed to be tickled to be calmed as a baby. And told that she is good person who I love and is loved by all around her.
What was I to teach, how was I to write something I didn't feel qualified to tell everyone else and how well would it be received. Then, I came to realization that no matter what I said, unless it was ordained by God that I do it, then I was never going to be good enough. I think I learned more from just putting all the teaching together than from actually being prepared for the time.
At the event, there was 4 teachers who were involved. It was a nice time. It was an easy time to be awake for all who came. We had a really good turnout. And we thank God that so many were able and willing to come. Then, there was the song preparation for Sunday morning. That was a whole nother idea in itself. I was petrified and didn't want to ruin it and didn't feel prepared. Well, there I was up on the stage prepared to sing and then the music began. I was lost and the music didn't want to cooperate. I had a lot of comments because I didn't sing. I think people were more impressed that I didn't sing than that I did. Oh well, not to be disappointed.
So, I was asked to prepare for the possibility of doing something that night at the evening service, well we had a wonderful spirit-filled service and I felt ok that it was almost over. Then, the pastor startled me and asked me to sing anyway, so I gave it a shot. I think it was ok.
Oh yes, change has come and gone over time. The oldest comes and asks me questions and I can't believe that time has brought me closer to the point where she will be able to make her own decisions for her life and base her own future on her own choices. I hope that I have done everything right by her and not done damage. I am so thankful that she is a beautiful young woman who is being formed by God to His will. I pray every day that she is strong enough to stand by her own convictions and do what is right and make good choices, and that she will marry a man who has the same beliefs that she carries.
It makes me cry to think that, now that all the changes I think I have been ready the handle are here, how much I am going to miss having the little girl around who just needed to be tickled to be calmed as a baby. And told that she is good person who I love and is loved by all around her.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Awesome love!
After spending time away from the girls last week, it gave me an appreciation of how much I really love and care for them. I miss their stories and their action around the house. It fills my heart to know that others also enjoy their company as well. I love hearing how much other adults love my girls. They are such a blessing to others around them.
I am so thankful that they are lovers of God and that He is deep inside their hearts. I pray throughout time that they never lose that love.
There have always been challenges in my life and this week will certainly be no different for me. I have much to do and little time to get it all in. The bulletin must be done by Thursday, there is also the orthopedic surgeon to be seen about Chris' knee, there are normal household things to be done and by friday night I have to be ready to present instruction in prayer at the church. Doesn't seem like much but my mind is just in a fog at the moment.
Yesterday, I think I learned something from the Sunday School class. I walked away knowing that I am not up to standards when it comes to my time spent at prayer and study, but that God still loves me anyway, I just have to keep at things every day.
My brother did call me and he is doing well in the wilds and is still safe. Also my grandpa is doing much better. No more of the ICU experiences for now, just healing.
Love you all and have a great day!
I am so thankful that they are lovers of God and that He is deep inside their hearts. I pray throughout time that they never lose that love.
There have always been challenges in my life and this week will certainly be no different for me. I have much to do and little time to get it all in. The bulletin must be done by Thursday, there is also the orthopedic surgeon to be seen about Chris' knee, there are normal household things to be done and by friday night I have to be ready to present instruction in prayer at the church. Doesn't seem like much but my mind is just in a fog at the moment.
Yesterday, I think I learned something from the Sunday School class. I walked away knowing that I am not up to standards when it comes to my time spent at prayer and study, but that God still loves me anyway, I just have to keep at things every day.
My brother did call me and he is doing well in the wilds and is still safe. Also my grandpa is doing much better. No more of the ICU experiences for now, just healing.
Love you all and have a great day!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Happenings
Well, there has certainly been some big surprises in my life lately. My grandpa, who is near and dear to my heart, is back in ICU right now w/a small bowel obstruction and urinary tract infection after his fall. If that is the worst of things, then I'm happy for that. I know that after things have cleared up all will be ok no matter what happens. I am learning everyday how to deal with so many new things in life.
I can't say I am not concerned, because I am. I am also concerned about my girls who are away at camp. I'm sure they are having a blast! Then there is my husband who has to see the orthopedic surgeon next week because of his knee pain. I know that all things will be taken care of because God is faithful in all things just that we must believe it and confess exactly what we want from our mouths!
Anyway, a little bit more info from this side of things here today.
God Bless and love you all
I can't say I am not concerned, because I am. I am also concerned about my girls who are away at camp. I'm sure they are having a blast! Then there is my husband who has to see the orthopedic surgeon next week because of his knee pain. I know that all things will be taken care of because God is faithful in all things just that we must believe it and confess exactly what we want from our mouths!
Anyway, a little bit more info from this side of things here today.
God Bless and love you all
Monday, July 20, 2009
Love and Mercy
Through this weekend, I have discovered that God has so much love and mercy for me. Not just me alone, but everyone. I truly am blessed when I think that I am in the midst of all life's greatest trials. I have suffered nothing compared to most in other countries. I don't know or understand what it is like to have literally nothing to clothe yourself or to eat or have clean water to drink or bathe.
I am truly blessed to have a God who cares so much for me that he uses others to help me out of times of despair in life. There is so much running through my head right now, all having to do w/things that can go wrong. I am trying to remember that it all will not make a bit of difference if I have so much 'stuff'. My true love and life comes from the Heavenly Father who loves and cares so much for each and every one of us.
Managing to get the girls off to church camp was pretty fun. Both for them and me. I was anxiously watching them pack and prepare everything for departure realizing that they are growing up so fast and that there will be so many changes coming in life over the next few years. I don't know if I am looking forward to it or now but, it will happen ready, or not!
The remainder of this week will be spent at home with one child who has his nose buried in his GameBoy. What an invention that is! Anyway, much in life is filled w/anticipation and anxiety. I just can't let the worst of it get to me at all. So, it is w/great joy that I am alive today and have God's greatest gifts of love and mercy!
Bless you all
I am truly blessed to have a God who cares so much for me that he uses others to help me out of times of despair in life. There is so much running through my head right now, all having to do w/things that can go wrong. I am trying to remember that it all will not make a bit of difference if I have so much 'stuff'. My true love and life comes from the Heavenly Father who loves and cares so much for each and every one of us.
Managing to get the girls off to church camp was pretty fun. Both for them and me. I was anxiously watching them pack and prepare everything for departure realizing that they are growing up so fast and that there will be so many changes coming in life over the next few years. I don't know if I am looking forward to it or now but, it will happen ready, or not!
The remainder of this week will be spent at home with one child who has his nose buried in his GameBoy. What an invention that is! Anyway, much in life is filled w/anticipation and anxiety. I just can't let the worst of it get to me at all. So, it is w/great joy that I am alive today and have God's greatest gifts of love and mercy!
Bless you all
Friday, July 17, 2009
Oh my!
Wow, I know it has been a couple of days. To update on how things are going here. I have started going to the gym each morning at 6 am. Wow! I am surprised I can even function at that hour let alone exercise. I'm glad to have some friends who will be supporters for this new endeavor. I am sore but think I am making some progress. Weight loss will be one of the many goals for this time frame. I need to be in better shape and hopefully lose weight as a benefit.
Chris has had an MRI on his leg and we should get the results sometime next week. Hopefully it will be nothing big. Been praying hard for a big healing, who knows what it will be. It is all in the hands of God now.
Got a call the other day about my 94 yr old grandpa. Seems he was on a roof and managed to fall through it and broke 3 ribs. He will be in the hospital for a couple of days to monitor for pneumonia. Have been waiting to hear any more news about him. He needs to be moved out of ICU to be able to be released home. I have been expecting things for a while and it makes me sad but yet it gives me some way right now of knowing that he certainly is more alive than anything else...That's a good thing!
The girls will be gone to Church camp next week. They are looking forward to a good time away from their brother. I'm sure that they will have an absolute blast! Joshua is looking forward to some time by himself in the house. He will probably just be bored because there won't be another kid around here at night or during the day for him to talk to other than the adults in his life - his parents!
My brother will be out in the wilds of Alaska for 6 weeks doing some field work for his job. Have been praying that he be safe from all the animals out there. Black bear and moose especially. They will be around where he is going to - miles and miles from civilization. I think that he will have some others around for company, but the wilderness is nice.
Anyway, things this week have been crazy.
Love always and God's Blessings to you all.
Chris has had an MRI on his leg and we should get the results sometime next week. Hopefully it will be nothing big. Been praying hard for a big healing, who knows what it will be. It is all in the hands of God now.
Got a call the other day about my 94 yr old grandpa. Seems he was on a roof and managed to fall through it and broke 3 ribs. He will be in the hospital for a couple of days to monitor for pneumonia. Have been waiting to hear any more news about him. He needs to be moved out of ICU to be able to be released home. I have been expecting things for a while and it makes me sad but yet it gives me some way right now of knowing that he certainly is more alive than anything else...That's a good thing!
The girls will be gone to Church camp next week. They are looking forward to a good time away from their brother. I'm sure that they will have an absolute blast! Joshua is looking forward to some time by himself in the house. He will probably just be bored because there won't be another kid around here at night or during the day for him to talk to other than the adults in his life - his parents!
My brother will be out in the wilds of Alaska for 6 weeks doing some field work for his job. Have been praying that he be safe from all the animals out there. Black bear and moose especially. They will be around where he is going to - miles and miles from civilization. I think that he will have some others around for company, but the wilderness is nice.
Anyway, things this week have been crazy.
Love always and God's Blessings to you all.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Precious moments
There are so many times of life when we want things to go a certain way. Well, lately I have been doing a lot of talking about how things will change for me over the course of the next couple 3 or 4 years. I didn't think I would begin to realize just how much time has come and gone for me.
As we left our oldest at the volleyball seminar (her absolute passion in life right now), I was beginning to think of how things would really change for me. I didn't want to admit to myself how much I would really miss her around. The house seems a little more empty than normal w/out her hanging around reading, texting and just being a normal teenager. I love this girl w/all my heart from the day she was born until long into the future. I see that she will be always on the lookout for things to make her life more complete and fulfilling. She wants to be a grown up individual. Oh, how I wish that many days she were still just that small toddler who would climb into the full laundry basket of toys and throw each and every one of them out before making herself completely at home just sitting in the empty basket and we all had a really good laugh.
Then, I get the call from a friend about a little 2 year old. My heart sank as I waited in anticipation to only find out that someone had lost the most precious thing in their life - their own daughter. The memories that were made in that short time of life and the many things that will be missed because of something as painful as death! I wasn't asking to feel the way I do, but I realize now that only God has the most perfect timing in everything he does. I know we must all struggle w/loss on some level, but there can be nothing more permanently separating than that. How lucky I am to be able, at this moment of time, to share in joys and sorrows and adventures w/my own children. Because who knows what tomorrow holds. Only God has that future in store for each and every one of us.
Peace and blessings,
As we left our oldest at the volleyball seminar (her absolute passion in life right now), I was beginning to think of how things would really change for me. I didn't want to admit to myself how much I would really miss her around. The house seems a little more empty than normal w/out her hanging around reading, texting and just being a normal teenager. I love this girl w/all my heart from the day she was born until long into the future. I see that she will be always on the lookout for things to make her life more complete and fulfilling. She wants to be a grown up individual. Oh, how I wish that many days she were still just that small toddler who would climb into the full laundry basket of toys and throw each and every one of them out before making herself completely at home just sitting in the empty basket and we all had a really good laugh.
Then, I get the call from a friend about a little 2 year old. My heart sank as I waited in anticipation to only find out that someone had lost the most precious thing in their life - their own daughter. The memories that were made in that short time of life and the many things that will be missed because of something as painful as death! I wasn't asking to feel the way I do, but I realize now that only God has the most perfect timing in everything he does. I know we must all struggle w/loss on some level, but there can be nothing more permanently separating than that. How lucky I am to be able, at this moment of time, to share in joys and sorrows and adventures w/my own children. Because who knows what tomorrow holds. Only God has that future in store for each and every one of us.
Peace and blessings,
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