Sleeplessess

Just when you get so tired that you really can't think any more.  The thoughts that run through your head!  Oh, the things we begin to think about when just on the verge of really good sleep.  And the way your body feels falling into that stated of really good sleep.  Then you awake with the smallest of noises, the greatest of sounds, and the eyes wake up, you roll over, the light that didn't bother you when you first fell asleep, now keeps you on your waking thoughts.

The things that we think aren't so important when you went to sleep, are now the very things that haunt you for what seems an eternity.  You roll over, you jiggle around, you nudge your mind to just stop with those very things, but to no avail.  Your eyelids are heavy with sleep, but the mind has other ideas.

Oh, how I long to just relax and get back to a blissful stated of inebriated sleep.  To wake rejuvenated and energized, ready to face a new day.  Not to lack for energy or motivation.  To be able to think clearly and with a mind that is ready to absorb all the grand things you are meant to do.....

Moving on

So much has happened in the last few weeks.....preparing and selling our house in less than 1 week, packing, moving, changing jobs.....trying to find new jobs....And, the most important thing.  Relying on the faith that I have grown up with.

I find myself in the phase of transition.  Leaving behind some things that are so precious to me.  Two of my children, who are living their new lives on their own.  I feel like I have abandon them for another time of need. But, I really haven't.  It's simply the time and season.

I do also realize that life is full of changes.  The oldest child (adult) has been married over a year and I must let her make choices and decisions as an adult with her husband in mind first (second only to the things of God).  The younger girl, who move to a whole different area with her precious dog, will live with a friend and begin to explore a new way of life for herself.  And my son, who will live with us momentarily.  I only want that none of my children will walk away from the things of God and what is important for their eternal life.

The youngest, has struggled with lots of things.  He is trying to be grown up and yet not quite able to do those things because he lacks some level of maturity, which he will gain with time.

All things considered, I feel sorry for myself because I left a great job that I had enjoyed for over 9 years!  I struggle each day that I am not able to begin working and feel as though I have something important to contribute but yet, somehow I lack the know-how to do one particular thing.  Knowing that God has all the best in store for me is still hard.  I pray each day, but part of me still feels rather insecure about it all.

I have had two interviews and think that this job will be perfect for me.  I am waiting to hear and yet, I feel beaten down because of myself and my seeming lack of confidence.  I only pray that I am able to perform any job to the best of my abilities.  It is hard to just let it all go and trust that things will all fall into place not knowing what is going to happen.  Yes, things are different in a larger area and yes, it is harder to find something since things have all gone 'on-line'.  Scams abound and that's terrible.  I was just caught in one of them, but knew better than to let myself be held back by it.

Even church is different.  Yes, I realize that this is a summer break for a lot of churches, but the feeling that something is lacking is overwhelming.  We have not found that all important church yet to be part of; to connect with others in a way that only the Spirit can do and to be part of a bigger picture - an eternal one where my future matters for myself and others around me.

I pray that I am not so anxious that I lose sight of the most important things.  Prayer and family and that I am thankful for every small thing I have in my life; my faith, my God, my husband and each of my children.

Changing Times

It sure has been a month....First of all, the job my husband had changed and we fell into a fast-moving pace of taking things one day at a time.  Our house was put on the market on Friday and by Monday there were two potential sets of buyers for it with appointments on the that Thursday.  After each inspection with the buyers, there was an offer and a final proposal made and accepted by that Friday!  That was fast!  A closing date of 30 days and then 14 more days are given to move out.

Our vacation plans, which had already been set in January, were turned into a whole new adventure of finding a new place to move into and things to get set up for the new time.  All things done, we have been receiving one blessing after another and all things are falling into place.

Our time in this community has been long, but short.  Even those who we thought we might be able to trust have truly broken that!  I am very disappointed in that, but am unable to do anything about it at this point, except be thankful that we asked and received the exact amount more out of our house to cover the unexpected cost!!

I am very much excited and nervous all at the same time.  The kids are grown and one will remain here with her husband, the younger will be moving out of state to pursue her own dreams and the youngest will be coming with us as we find our new normal things.

I so thankful that God is placing all things in His timing and we are being blessed with all of this activity.  There are some people that will be truly missed and I do consider them as new friends, and some that I am happy to say 'good-bye' to and never look back at the attitudes that have broken my heart to pieces!

It is bitter-sweet to see what 10 plus years has been like in this unusual small community.

Time

Time seems to be crushing in on me right now.  Thinking about the upcoming events; my husband traveling, packing up things, kids getting on in life.  It all seems so overwhelming to me.  The rush of it all, the tiredness it brings and the nostalgia it brings with it.

The joys, anxiousness, the anticipation, the feelings that are so up front and at the top of the day.  To get things prepared, to box, to sell, the waiting, the time that just passes slowly and super fast all at once.

Can we find something else?  What needs to be done to prepare for it all?  Getting the things done that are necessary right now and waiting on the rest of it for later.

I'm tired from it all and we haven't even really begun.  The stresses of every day things.  How will everything work out in the end?  God knows, that if this wasn't meant to happen, things would never have fallen into place like they have this time.  Guess He always knows what's best for us when we need it to be.  I rest easy in His timing, His grace and His perfect will for our lives.

Talking

Watching the tv show'Raymond' tonight, I see the topic of this particular episode is talking.  Talking as a couple and how it becomes so mundane to just not converse with your significant other and be just quiet.  

At times in any relationship we have lulls.  Times, when you just don't know what to say or do.  Times, when you have nothing really to say.  So, I begin to wonder...do we ever have those moments in our time with God?

I think that we do.  We run through the valleys, the deserts of life when we don't feel as though we hear anything from Him and He doesn't hear anything from us.  Does he want to give up on us, like we sometimes feel when we aren't in the conversating mood.  But, if we lose that lack of communication, we can become complacent in our relationship because it causes us to not try any more.

That's where our life can become very rote and not meaningful or, it can also be a time of hearing more of the non-verbal ques that seem to happen; the deeper understanding of one another.  The small nuances of life.  Like knowing when to complete each others' sentences or thoughts.  There is a great amount of understanding in not speaking sometimes.

This is a place of the greatest comfort.  A place when we don't have to talk and just be comfortable just being in the presence of our Loved one.  Sometimes, the conversation is only a cover up for just enjoying our times in awe and love.

Brokenness

I am a very broken person.  One whom has come from parts of my past that have caused me to retreat into myself and mistrust others around me.  You have no idea what you have done to cause this.  It breaks me so many ways.  I know that broken people hurt others.  It's never that I mean to do it, but as a defense mechanism, it happens.

I also know that in my brokenness, I need to be healed.  Healed from the hurts that people have unknowingly inflicted on me.  I am stronger than this because of God and his healing graces.  But, I need to trust Him for the healing.  I don't like feeling this way at all!

All of us are broken in one way or another.  Some of us can hide it really well through their social interactions, while others aren't so good at it and it makes them seem very unfriendly and mistrusting, like me.

I have the need to change these things a lot....Sometimes, the things in my head, are the thoughts that give me some comfort for the things I may need to change.  Jesus is the only healer that will truly get me to replace the brokenness with wholeness and mercy.

These things will only be accomplished as I grow in relationship to Him.  It has happened in the past, and the only thing that will help to heal me in the future.  I am praying for the changes to come and for me to be brave enough to change according to what He has set out for me; even with life's challenges ahead.

Acceptance of myself with  others in the world is futile as He is the only one who has accepted me already!!

Forgiveness

What can be more important in life than forgiveness?  Really, nothing.  Without forgiveness we cannot learn to love others or ourselves.  Without forgiveness we cannot grow, and without forgiveness we cannot live as Christ our Lord expects us to.

I have seen so often in recent times the lack of forgiveness in so many things.  We think that we are doing some sort of justice by holding on to something that happened so long ago.  We think somehow that by continuing to beat a dead horse, as it were, that we are going to get things accomplished.

What are we accomplishing?  Actually, nothing other than holding onto that grudge, the unwillingness to forgive, the unwillingness to grow or simply say 'I'm sorry' and I will change from what has happened.  How do we know that the person we are talking about hasn't gone through some kind of transformation in their own life, or simply been unaware that they needed to be forgiven, or that they have needed someone to say, 'OK, you messed up and with time you have changed, so I forgive you for what you did because you are not the same person, and/or you are aware of the changes you now need to make'.

I find it quite ironic that Christ says to love one another and that means to forgive someone for things in the past and keep yourself and them on track by accountability; to follow the examples of Him who forgives all things if we are to call upon Him, His Son and repent (turn around) from where we have been and move forward in love, humbleness and the right ways.

We can't keep turning around and talking about these things.  Mind your business!!  Let others go to at least keep yourself on track and not distracted, and let them live in the ways that they are to be and walk beside them and remind them to do the same.

We must be more empathetic to the plight of all in our world and the lies that we have been fed for so long in regard to judgment and forgiveness.

Do the right thing and live in forgiveness and help those who cannot do so.

What now?

What to do now?  I would like to know.  But, do I really want the truth?  What seems so impossibly simple, so mundane that its met with trepidation?

What do you do when you are trying to figure out what is next in your life?  When the promotions seem to be shut in your face, the opportunities seem to just be slammed down and given over to someone else?  For what reason has all of this happened?

I am so stumped.  Why?! What needs to be done more or prepared for?  How do you overcome your feelings of self-doubt; that you are simply not good enough or that you just don't have what it takes?

There is a process for it all.  I am reminded that if we don't ask the questions, we will never receive the answers like someone sitting around just hoping to win the lottery without ever buying the ticket that gives them the chance to win.  Truth is, I do know. I'm not saying that I want to do that, but I am saying that I know there needs to be some effort on my part, but truly, where does that come from?  

 It comes only from asking in prayers and time spent with the Lord.  We need to be prepared like the ground before the planting, sprouted, like the soil gets watered and the sun shines, and growth that comes from the greater amount of time spent watching the process begin to flourish

The growth part is probably the most painful because of the stretching and changing that comes along with getting to the beautiful part; the blooming and the beauty that comes from the final product.

I am not sure that I really like the process, but it is completely necessary to reach the full potential and to get through the times when I am asking the question, "What now?"

My time

I am finding that my time has become something of a mystery.  My time is almost not mine.  It belongs to others.  As a wife, mother and member of society, I am always pulled in so many directions.

The greatest love I have in my life is my God.  He will always love me, no matter what.  But I also need to put Him first in so many things that happen in every day life.  I am reminded this week that should have been the most important place for me to be each day.

Last week, after hearing some strange noises from our furnace and discovering that it is not working properly, I worked through the process of trying to figure out what to do to get it fixed.  After a few days of no success, I was running on very much a great amount of agitation on and frustration.  I called on my trusty husband to help me fix the situation.

While he was trying to work on getting a remedy to this almost, seemingly impossible situation.  I was beginning to realize that my time was just being wasted on this situation and I was not relying on my God who takes care of me each and every day.  So, I started to turn and pray that things would improve for us as we had a very cold storm coming this weekend.

Lo, and behold, we FINALLY were able to see some resolve to this situation!  Thankfully, by Friday we received the good news that a motor had gone bad and we would be fixing it.

My reminder that my time is so important, was just that I need to rely on the one who gives us all time, God.

I am thankful that I am reminded that my time is not as important as His time.

Loneliness

Loneliness tends to creep in when we least expect it.  I have had the great pleasure of having my family around the last few weeks; my husband was home because of a surgery, the holidays happened and we usually have family around.

But, when life begins again after the holidays have settled down and we get into our rhythms of life again, loneliness has a way of getting in.  Even the dogs feel the very thing I do.  They aren't much as far as great persons to talk to.  Obviously, they are so much better at listening to us then we even know, but it is just never quite enough.  The TV sure doesn't cut into the dull, empty feelings that come about with time.  It's just white noise, something to distract us from our thoughts.

I sometimes still yearn for the ear of my parents, even though my mom has been gone for a number of years now and my dad is busy with his lady friend and his work (even though he is, technically, retired, and has been for over 10 years!).

I think sometimes we are just as uncomfortable with the familiar as we are the unfamiliar.  Life has it's changes and challenges, but we can never run from loneliness.  I only pray that I can further understand what it will look like for me in a few more years. 

I do have so many thoughts running through my head - How is my younger daughter going to handle her life now that she is single again?  Will my son be something great?  How are others dealing with these same things?  Will my husband be promoted in the near future? and the list goes on.

So, again, I wonder.  Is loneliness forever?  That answer is no.  I'm quite certain of that.  Right now it's just an uncomfortable, unfamiliar friend who comes around for a while and then goes to revisit when we least expect it.