Each and every day we learn new things. Today I am reminded that, no matter what, God always has our best interest at heart. There are things that happen each and every day that we can choose to do....both good and bad. If we open ourselves up and let our feelings out, then we are sure to have life happen to us.
Dreams are important for us to believe in and important enough for us to strive to reach throughout our lives. We are surrounded by love, hate, sin and darkness. We can choose to live in one or the other. What we choose leaves us to wander in whatever things are associated with each. If we choose love, we are at peace even in hard circumstances. If we choose hate, sin and darkness, then we live as the enemy of our souls likes to see us.
I choose to live in love. To choose to forgive, to trust - even when I'm hurting. God always has my best interest at heart and He knows the correct path for me. I'm just not perfect at always listening to what exactly that is. Sometimes, there are things that happen and I wonder why, but it is because I want to be in control and try and find some sort of temporary happiness in my own path. That just never works. The ultimate peace that comes each day is only that of which can be found in listening to the Father, even when I don't want to.
Sometimes the answers are right in front of us and we just don't see it because we are so blinded by all of the 'things' around us. We need each and every day to learn to grow.
Relationships take time. They take investment. They take communication. They take patience. We wouldn't give up on our children, so why do we want to give up on God and His eternal plan for our lives? For the best gifts that we could ever be given? I'm certain that God has NEVER given up on me! And I don't want to give up on Him either.
I am thankful that I can choose to live, love and forgive those around me and to learn to, once again, grow.....even if that means I must rebuild those trusts, friendships and relationships again.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Hurts
Having some time to think, I realize that recently I have been carrying around so much hurt with me. Yes, my mother passed away almost 3 years ago, but I still hurt each and every day. Some of those things have been much more evident to me as I look at people around me. Especially, when others around me experience those same types of loss and they seem to be recognized more than what I was. Yes, there was 'some' recognition. A few of those closest to me who expressed how much they cared and showed me concern by simply asking me how I was doing or sending me a few notes of encouragements but, I think my expectations of others around me to keep talking to me was just too high because I created that wall.
So high, that I set myself up for a world of hurts, rejection and backing away to the point of becoming someone whom I am not. Someone who - is unapproachable. Yes, I have been a little unapproachable. I have been hurt by those around me. I have chosen to shut them out and suffer my grief in silence. This has not been the best course of action, granted. That is who I am when I am feeling so lost in my own loss.
I am not fake, but feel as though I have been, many times because I have tried to force myself to be happy. I think I must take things a little personally. People around me just haven't been allowed into my inner life to know the hurt and pain of the loss I have had. It has been harder each and every time that I am reminded of this loss. I am not trying to be selfish or want some vanity for myself, I just want to not hurt. I want those around me to know how much I care and how much I hurt.
Not everyone will experience loss the same way (and granted losing 7 people you know in 3 years in quite a bit), but my loss includes those that I obviously have known for a long time. My mom of 78 years, my grandfather of 99 years, my uncle of 70, other cousins and friends alike. Any loss is never easy and we each have a way of dealing with it, but I think I should feel like I am over this. It takes time.....I know. I am aware of these things, but when it happens to others and they seem to be recognized and coddled or called out more than what I felt like, just brings back to me the hurts and loss of that death over, and over again. I don't want to hurt any more. Just to be healed and whole. I know that this too will pass, I know that I will not feel like this forever. But the expectation that you have and what actually happens are just so different. Maybe I opened myself up to something that was so unattainable for myself that I have actually let myself not have the proper time to see my loss as just that - a loss!
I will be whole again and in heaven with those I love and know that they don't want me to hurt in this way and that God is the only one who will bring me healing through all of this. I needed to recognize that I have suffered a loss, a hurt that only God will be able to heal. This is not forever and I will let him handle this for me as I work through all of those things. I will move forward toward all those things, with time and hurts set aside, but I have to move on from all those things. I know that I need to be away from that and just forgive those who have hurt me in such a way they will not ever understand because they are not me and cannot see what they have or have not done. Forgiveness is just as much a part of my healing process as forgetting all of those hurts that I have seen and continue to see each day.
In peace and love,
Shirley - I choose to forgive!
So high, that I set myself up for a world of hurts, rejection and backing away to the point of becoming someone whom I am not. Someone who - is unapproachable. Yes, I have been a little unapproachable. I have been hurt by those around me. I have chosen to shut them out and suffer my grief in silence. This has not been the best course of action, granted. That is who I am when I am feeling so lost in my own loss.
I am not fake, but feel as though I have been, many times because I have tried to force myself to be happy. I think I must take things a little personally. People around me just haven't been allowed into my inner life to know the hurt and pain of the loss I have had. It has been harder each and every time that I am reminded of this loss. I am not trying to be selfish or want some vanity for myself, I just want to not hurt. I want those around me to know how much I care and how much I hurt.
Not everyone will experience loss the same way (and granted losing 7 people you know in 3 years in quite a bit), but my loss includes those that I obviously have known for a long time. My mom of 78 years, my grandfather of 99 years, my uncle of 70, other cousins and friends alike. Any loss is never easy and we each have a way of dealing with it, but I think I should feel like I am over this. It takes time.....I know. I am aware of these things, but when it happens to others and they seem to be recognized and coddled or called out more than what I felt like, just brings back to me the hurts and loss of that death over, and over again. I don't want to hurt any more. Just to be healed and whole. I know that this too will pass, I know that I will not feel like this forever. But the expectation that you have and what actually happens are just so different. Maybe I opened myself up to something that was so unattainable for myself that I have actually let myself not have the proper time to see my loss as just that - a loss!
I will be whole again and in heaven with those I love and know that they don't want me to hurt in this way and that God is the only one who will bring me healing through all of this. I needed to recognize that I have suffered a loss, a hurt that only God will be able to heal. This is not forever and I will let him handle this for me as I work through all of those things. I will move forward toward all those things, with time and hurts set aside, but I have to move on from all those things. I know that I need to be away from that and just forgive those who have hurt me in such a way they will not ever understand because they are not me and cannot see what they have or have not done. Forgiveness is just as much a part of my healing process as forgetting all of those hurts that I have seen and continue to see each day.
In peace and love,
Shirley - I choose to forgive!
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