Having some time to think, I realize that recently I have been carrying around so much hurt with me. Yes, my mother passed away almost 3 years ago, but I still hurt each and every day. Some of those things have been much more evident to me as I look at people around me. Especially, when others around me experience those same types of loss and they seem to be recognized more than what I was. Yes, there was 'some' recognition. A few of those closest to me who expressed how much they cared and showed me concern by simply asking me how I was doing or sending me a few notes of encouragements but, I think my expectations of others around me to keep talking to me was just too high because I created that wall.
So high, that I set myself up for a world of hurts, rejection and backing away to the point of becoming someone whom I am not. Someone who - is unapproachable. Yes, I have been a little unapproachable. I have been hurt by those around me. I have chosen to shut them out and suffer my grief in silence. This has not been the best course of action, granted. That is who I am when I am feeling so lost in my own loss.
I am not fake, but feel as though I have been, many times because I have tried to force myself to be happy. I think I must take things a little personally. People around me just haven't been allowed into my inner life to know the hurt and pain of the loss I have had. It has been harder each and every time that I am reminded of this loss. I am not trying to be selfish or want some vanity for myself, I just want to not hurt. I want those around me to know how much I care and how much I hurt.
Not everyone will experience loss the same way (and granted losing 7 people you know in 3 years in quite a bit), but my loss includes those that I obviously have known for a long time. My mom of 78 years, my grandfather of 99 years, my uncle of 70, other cousins and friends alike. Any loss is never easy and we each have a way of dealing with it, but I think I should feel like I am over this. It takes time.....I know. I am aware of these things, but when it happens to others and they seem to be recognized and coddled or called out more than what I felt like, just brings back to me the hurts and loss of that death over, and over again. I don't want to hurt any more. Just to be healed and whole. I know that this too will pass, I know that I will not feel like this forever. But the expectation that you have and what actually happens are just so different. Maybe I opened myself up to something that was so unattainable for myself that I have actually let myself not have the proper time to see my loss as just that - a loss!
I will be whole again and in heaven with those I love and know that they don't want me to hurt in this way and that God is the only one who will bring me healing through all of this. I needed to recognize that I have suffered a loss, a hurt that only God will be able to heal. This is not forever and I will let him handle this for me as I work through all of those things. I will move forward toward all those things, with time and hurts set aside, but I have to move on from all those things. I know that I need to be away from that and just forgive those who have hurt me in such a way they will not ever understand because they are not me and cannot see what they have or have not done. Forgiveness is just as much a part of my healing process as forgetting all of those hurts that I have seen and continue to see each day.
In peace and love,
Shirley - I choose to forgive!
