What now?

What to do now?  I would like to know.  But, do I really want the truth?  What seems so impossibly simple, so mundane that its met with trepidation?

What do you do when you are trying to figure out what is next in your life?  When the promotions seem to be shut in your face, the opportunities seem to just be slammed down and given over to someone else?  For what reason has all of this happened?

I am so stumped.  Why?! What needs to be done more or prepared for?  How do you overcome your feelings of self-doubt; that you are simply not good enough or that you just don't have what it takes?

There is a process for it all.  I am reminded that if we don't ask the questions, we will never receive the answers like someone sitting around just hoping to win the lottery without ever buying the ticket that gives them the chance to win.  Truth is, I do know. I'm not saying that I want to do that, but I am saying that I know there needs to be some effort on my part, but truly, where does that come from?  

 It comes only from asking in prayers and time spent with the Lord.  We need to be prepared like the ground before the planting, sprouted, like the soil gets watered and the sun shines, and growth that comes from the greater amount of time spent watching the process begin to flourish

The growth part is probably the most painful because of the stretching and changing that comes along with getting to the beautiful part; the blooming and the beauty that comes from the final product.

I am not sure that I really like the process, but it is completely necessary to reach the full potential and to get through the times when I am asking the question, "What now?"

My time

I am finding that my time has become something of a mystery.  My time is almost not mine.  It belongs to others.  As a wife, mother and member of society, I am always pulled in so many directions.

The greatest love I have in my life is my God.  He will always love me, no matter what.  But I also need to put Him first in so many things that happen in every day life.  I am reminded this week that should have been the most important place for me to be each day.

Last week, after hearing some strange noises from our furnace and discovering that it is not working properly, I worked through the process of trying to figure out what to do to get it fixed.  After a few days of no success, I was running on very much a great amount of agitation on and frustration.  I called on my trusty husband to help me fix the situation.

While he was trying to work on getting a remedy to this almost, seemingly impossible situation.  I was beginning to realize that my time was just being wasted on this situation and I was not relying on my God who takes care of me each and every day.  So, I started to turn and pray that things would improve for us as we had a very cold storm coming this weekend.

Lo, and behold, we FINALLY were able to see some resolve to this situation!  Thankfully, by Friday we received the good news that a motor had gone bad and we would be fixing it.

My reminder that my time is so important, was just that I need to rely on the one who gives us all time, God.

I am thankful that I am reminded that my time is not as important as His time.

Loneliness

Loneliness tends to creep in when we least expect it.  I have had the great pleasure of having my family around the last few weeks; my husband was home because of a surgery, the holidays happened and we usually have family around.

But, when life begins again after the holidays have settled down and we get into our rhythms of life again, loneliness has a way of getting in.  Even the dogs feel the very thing I do.  They aren't much as far as great persons to talk to.  Obviously, they are so much better at listening to us then we even know, but it is just never quite enough.  The TV sure doesn't cut into the dull, empty feelings that come about with time.  It's just white noise, something to distract us from our thoughts.

I sometimes still yearn for the ear of my parents, even though my mom has been gone for a number of years now and my dad is busy with his lady friend and his work (even though he is, technically, retired, and has been for over 10 years!).

I think sometimes we are just as uncomfortable with the familiar as we are the unfamiliar.  Life has it's changes and challenges, but we can never run from loneliness.  I only pray that I can further understand what it will look like for me in a few more years. 

I do have so many thoughts running through my head - How is my younger daughter going to handle her life now that she is single again?  Will my son be something great?  How are others dealing with these same things?  Will my husband be promoted in the near future? and the list goes on.

So, again, I wonder.  Is loneliness forever?  That answer is no.  I'm quite certain of that.  Right now it's just an uncomfortable, unfamiliar friend who comes around for a while and then goes to revisit when we least expect it.