I was wondering and getting really frustrated earlier today and just when I thought that I was at my wits end, I discovered that I really have an issue......An issue with food as a friend and a compass for my mounting debt troubles.
Yes, we all make mistakes but I was really covering up my unwillingness to change by eating. Eating everything all the time and mostly in solace. I started doing this as a teen. Food became my emotional outlet for many things. It was there when I needed someone to just hang around and talk to. Only trouble is I was using food so much that no matter how much money I didn't have, I was (and still do) eat by myself and hide food from everyone else. I think that if I have food stuffed in the closet or hidden where no one else will find it that I can just go get it and eat and it will make me feel all better......
Trouble is, because I eat by myself, I have really run myself into a mound of debt. I will eat before I pay a bill and then wonder why there isn't enough money left to pay the bill.....Then I will go out and eat some more....It sure is a lot easier to eat out and not cook....only trouble with that is when you take a family of 5 out to dinner, it really does add up quickly and a lot!
So, not only has my eating not done me any good physically, but it has created a lot more of the emotional stress than I ever needed in my life. It is hurting me by making me large and not wanting to do anything and it is hurting me financially too. I have begun, finally, to realize after almost 25 years of doing this to myself, that I really am hurting emotionally. I now need to change what and how I feel about food......not to let it control me, but to let God do the controlling and let Him take me out of the problem that I have in relying on something that he already says has enough trouble of it's own....Not to worry about tomorrow, or the clothes that I wear or the things that I will eat because He already knows exactly where and why and how all of these things work in our lives!
Now comes the hard part of this all.......CHANGE!!!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Frustration
Hey there:
I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and realize that I am really far from perfect. Of course, we all are in some way, shape or form, but I mean really, not perfect. I cannot please everyone who asks me a question about something in my life. I feel as though I have failed on some very large level. How do we all go through life on a shoe-string and not get caught in some trap that it manages to create around all of the choices that we make?
I guess that is why I am trying to unravel all of the things that I thought once were the 'right' decisions to make. Especially financially. Why is it that we seem to believe that living on the very edge of making all of our monthly payments is something that should give us satisfaction. And, I know that I am NOT the only person out there who genuinly tries really hard to make the 'right' financial decisions only to find that at the end of the month, I am running out of time and money!!!!! It is downright frustrating thinking that I have made some of the greatest contributions only to find that in the long-run, it really hurts. I thank God right now that I am not able to just run out and get all the loans that I need to try and make all of those catch-up payments. I just hate having to go through all the processes of being down in the pit of despair and feeling like no one really cares about it at all......If I try to catch up on this, then that goes behind....and I try to catch up on that, then this goes behind......we all want to have things and we all desire to be accepted, but truly AT WHAT COST????
This really has been very much a hard-fought learning experience for me....I am going to do my best to truly do the things that I now realize are the correct things to do....Not the 'right' thing!
Well, I truly hope that I have helped someone out there who is struggling and can have them know that they are not alone in feeling the way they do......After all, Christ is the one who gave his all for what we enjoy!! FREEDOM!!
Peace and Blessings
I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and realize that I am really far from perfect. Of course, we all are in some way, shape or form, but I mean really, not perfect. I cannot please everyone who asks me a question about something in my life. I feel as though I have failed on some very large level. How do we all go through life on a shoe-string and not get caught in some trap that it manages to create around all of the choices that we make?
I guess that is why I am trying to unravel all of the things that I thought once were the 'right' decisions to make. Especially financially. Why is it that we seem to believe that living on the very edge of making all of our monthly payments is something that should give us satisfaction. And, I know that I am NOT the only person out there who genuinly tries really hard to make the 'right' financial decisions only to find that at the end of the month, I am running out of time and money!!!!! It is downright frustrating thinking that I have made some of the greatest contributions only to find that in the long-run, it really hurts. I thank God right now that I am not able to just run out and get all the loans that I need to try and make all of those catch-up payments. I just hate having to go through all the processes of being down in the pit of despair and feeling like no one really cares about it at all......If I try to catch up on this, then that goes behind....and I try to catch up on that, then this goes behind......we all want to have things and we all desire to be accepted, but truly AT WHAT COST????
This really has been very much a hard-fought learning experience for me....I am going to do my best to truly do the things that I now realize are the correct things to do....Not the 'right' thing!
Well, I truly hope that I have helped someone out there who is struggling and can have them know that they are not alone in feeling the way they do......After all, Christ is the one who gave his all for what we enjoy!! FREEDOM!!
Peace and Blessings
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Getting there
Well, time sure does pass by quickly and we don't even know it! The kids are growing up so much I can't even believe that things will (or have) changed in a short period of time.
With Katharine getting her first job, it just reminds me of how much will happen over the course of the next few years. Seems like she was only just a baby and then an 8 year old asking me a bunch of questions about some homework project that was due. I can't believe how much we think about getting older when we get older. Not to mention all of the fun things that I really look forward to that can be kind of scary. Like, all the kids leaving home and actually doing something somewhere out in the wide world all on their own. Each of them is smart and talented in some way of their own. I only hope that I have done all I can to be the best parent to each of them possible.
Jessica has had the 'first' date. And she beamed from ear to ear before and after it! I am glad that they can have friends of their own and that they are going to learn things about the world that they don't know yet. It can be scary, but I do have to let them grow up and not hold them back or they will never live up to their full potential.
So then comes Joshua who is trying to act like a teenager but still only will be 11 soon. He is going to play a solo on his trumpet soon and likes to play basketball. He is maturing in some areas, but really still just the baby of the family that I want him to be.
So, in all things we are 'getting there' some how, some way, we all get there someday!
Love ya'all
With Katharine getting her first job, it just reminds me of how much will happen over the course of the next few years. Seems like she was only just a baby and then an 8 year old asking me a bunch of questions about some homework project that was due. I can't believe how much we think about getting older when we get older. Not to mention all of the fun things that I really look forward to that can be kind of scary. Like, all the kids leaving home and actually doing something somewhere out in the wide world all on their own. Each of them is smart and talented in some way of their own. I only hope that I have done all I can to be the best parent to each of them possible.
Jessica has had the 'first' date. And she beamed from ear to ear before and after it! I am glad that they can have friends of their own and that they are going to learn things about the world that they don't know yet. It can be scary, but I do have to let them grow up and not hold them back or they will never live up to their full potential.
So then comes Joshua who is trying to act like a teenager but still only will be 11 soon. He is going to play a solo on his trumpet soon and likes to play basketball. He is maturing in some areas, but really still just the baby of the family that I want him to be.
So, in all things we are 'getting there' some how, some way, we all get there someday!
Love ya'all
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Time passing
Well, here it is the beginning of yet another year. Life presents so many challenges every day. Lately those challenges have been pretty minor.....the weather has been pretty cold and so the water pipes froze on the porch where our washer was. Well, that burned the pump and so we had to get a new one. Then, get the new one, put it in the basement and discovered that new faucets were needed to get the washer hooked up properly. Well....all is taken care of now and it is nice to finally be able to finish laundry at home once again. We are pretty fortunate.
I have been blessed lately to be back in contact with some old friends from when I was young. It makes me think back to those times of my life when I did some pretty crazy things. Not so crazy that I was wild or terribly out of control, but crazy that I didn't know much better in my own life at the time. I am glad that we all grow up and have the chance to change many things about ourselves. So much of that change comes by choice in our lives. We make those choices every day. We choose when to get up, when to go to bed, what to read, who to talk to - you get the idea....anyway, those choices can so affect our lives that we sometimes live with the side-effects of those choices. We may end up sick or in debt, or sometimes even wrapped up in our own thoughts about how we got to where we are.
I have been thinking back on my life about my choices in eating. There has been much about it that sometimes I can certainly blame someone, anyone, for my habits but, the truth is; I am the one who made those decisions to make those habits. I simply just need to make different choices in regard to that end. I simply don't know where to begin. I am looking to make changes in my heart and pray that by immersing myself in prayer and the Bible, I will be able to make better choices because I truly am a child of the King and he takes care of my every need. I will be making different choices today than yesterday and will be able to change those habits so that I will be able to glorify Christ The Lord.
God Bless you all each and every day!
Shirley
I have been blessed lately to be back in contact with some old friends from when I was young. It makes me think back to those times of my life when I did some pretty crazy things. Not so crazy that I was wild or terribly out of control, but crazy that I didn't know much better in my own life at the time. I am glad that we all grow up and have the chance to change many things about ourselves. So much of that change comes by choice in our lives. We make those choices every day. We choose when to get up, when to go to bed, what to read, who to talk to - you get the idea....anyway, those choices can so affect our lives that we sometimes live with the side-effects of those choices. We may end up sick or in debt, or sometimes even wrapped up in our own thoughts about how we got to where we are.
I have been thinking back on my life about my choices in eating. There has been much about it that sometimes I can certainly blame someone, anyone, for my habits but, the truth is; I am the one who made those decisions to make those habits. I simply just need to make different choices in regard to that end. I simply don't know where to begin. I am looking to make changes in my heart and pray that by immersing myself in prayer and the Bible, I will be able to make better choices because I truly am a child of the King and he takes care of my every need. I will be making different choices today than yesterday and will be able to change those habits so that I will be able to glorify Christ The Lord.
God Bless you all each and every day!
Shirley
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The end of another year
Well, we have reached the end of 2009. There is much to be thankful for this year. I can say that since about 6 weeks ago, I have not had much trouble sleeping at night....wheew....I am happy about that.
There has been so much going on. Chris did manage to get healed after his surgery on his knee is Sept. That was a long, and long awaited, process. He is back to work (overnights) and seems to be doing well. This is temporary and he will come off sometime this next year.
Katharine has enjoyed her season of Volleyball as a Varsity player. That is what she has been striving for all along. She really enjoys her volleyball. Both sets of Grandparents were able to see her play here at different games each end of the season. I think that they enjoyed it.
OH! How dare I forget the fact that we are now facing the challenges of driving w/a new teen driver. She is improving and gets a little nervous and confused about directions from mom....LOL Oh well, she will make it past all of this and find herself in the real world of college and jobs in a few short months. She is still looking for that 'perfect' job to pay her portion of the insurance.
The house certainly has been taking better shape since early last year. There still is much to do; like the bathrooms. Both of them! Not sure where to even get started on that one. First, I think we need an exterminator before the spring comes so we can get rid of our nest of wasps that have invaded the small space in the roof between the actual ceiling and the roof tiles. Oh joy!
Now, convince the dad that he must come and visit again sometime next year to get at least one of the bathrooms done. This time, he shouldn't need to tow a U-Haul and bring all of my old stuff back to me from 12 years ago in NY.
Jessica has just gotten her ears pierced. (I didn't even think she would attempt anything remotely related to any pain)....to our surprise, she didn't flinch - much! She is really enjoying playing the Wii and trying to figure out how to get in touch w/her cousins in CA on the Wii.....I think we can figure it out; sometime.
Oh yes, we musn't forget the fact that we now have not one, but two, teenage girls in High School this year! And the load of homework just somehow got easier for the younger one! Surprise, she still is getting all A's, even with two math classes; 10th grade Geometry and Algebra II as well.
Joshua has been busy just growing and growing, and growing...he is getting really tall....He also really likes his basket ball practice. I think he is learning something. He sure does get pretty tired from it. He's also worried about his weight and I keep telling him not to worry about it right now, he's growing and will soon be OK.
Dare we forget the fact that school called us one lonely afternoon and said, "Joshua had his eyes tested, and we think you need to take him to get checked". Well, not liking what I heard and, of course, knowing that it was coming due to family genetics; he does now have glasses.....and he looks pretty smart too!
I have started working kitty-corner to our house at one of the local churches, along with doing work for our home church and prayer meetings still. Busy, busy, busy! I do enjoy being busy a little bit and contributing to the economics of our family.
Time has been short this year. I think about all the things that have passed and will come, but all that really matters is what I will actually do with my time and how I will use it to the best of the ability that God gave me. I love that He is so faithful that He sees every time we have a need and that we can ask for forgiveness and we can start over again with a clean slate; even those times when things are so far past us that no one will ever remember what we are asking forgiveness for.
Love and Peace to All in the New and Coming Year!
May you all be Blessed in Jesus' Name......
Shirley
There has been so much going on. Chris did manage to get healed after his surgery on his knee is Sept. That was a long, and long awaited, process. He is back to work (overnights) and seems to be doing well. This is temporary and he will come off sometime this next year.
Katharine has enjoyed her season of Volleyball as a Varsity player. That is what she has been striving for all along. She really enjoys her volleyball. Both sets of Grandparents were able to see her play here at different games each end of the season. I think that they enjoyed it.
OH! How dare I forget the fact that we are now facing the challenges of driving w/a new teen driver. She is improving and gets a little nervous and confused about directions from mom....LOL Oh well, she will make it past all of this and find herself in the real world of college and jobs in a few short months. She is still looking for that 'perfect' job to pay her portion of the insurance.
The house certainly has been taking better shape since early last year. There still is much to do; like the bathrooms. Both of them! Not sure where to even get started on that one. First, I think we need an exterminator before the spring comes so we can get rid of our nest of wasps that have invaded the small space in the roof between the actual ceiling and the roof tiles. Oh joy!
Now, convince the dad that he must come and visit again sometime next year to get at least one of the bathrooms done. This time, he shouldn't need to tow a U-Haul and bring all of my old stuff back to me from 12 years ago in NY.
Jessica has just gotten her ears pierced. (I didn't even think she would attempt anything remotely related to any pain)....to our surprise, she didn't flinch - much! She is really enjoying playing the Wii and trying to figure out how to get in touch w/her cousins in CA on the Wii.....I think we can figure it out; sometime.
Oh yes, we musn't forget the fact that we now have not one, but two, teenage girls in High School this year! And the load of homework just somehow got easier for the younger one! Surprise, she still is getting all A's, even with two math classes; 10th grade Geometry and Algebra II as well.
Joshua has been busy just growing and growing, and growing...he is getting really tall....He also really likes his basket ball practice. I think he is learning something. He sure does get pretty tired from it. He's also worried about his weight and I keep telling him not to worry about it right now, he's growing and will soon be OK.
Dare we forget the fact that school called us one lonely afternoon and said, "Joshua had his eyes tested, and we think you need to take him to get checked". Well, not liking what I heard and, of course, knowing that it was coming due to family genetics; he does now have glasses.....and he looks pretty smart too!
I have started working kitty-corner to our house at one of the local churches, along with doing work for our home church and prayer meetings still. Busy, busy, busy! I do enjoy being busy a little bit and contributing to the economics of our family.
Time has been short this year. I think about all the things that have passed and will come, but all that really matters is what I will actually do with my time and how I will use it to the best of the ability that God gave me. I love that He is so faithful that He sees every time we have a need and that we can ask for forgiveness and we can start over again with a clean slate; even those times when things are so far past us that no one will ever remember what we are asking forgiveness for.
Love and Peace to All in the New and Coming Year!
May you all be Blessed in Jesus' Name......
Shirley
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sleepless Nights
Yes, for some time now I have had sleeplessness......this doesn't seem to be just a once in a while kind of thing. It seems to be every single cotten pickin' night lately. I have had many nights of not being able to sleep over the course of my life but, lately it just seems to be never ending. I am getting so afraid that when I actually feel tired, I don't really want to go to bed because I am afraid that I will wake up.
I seem to be able to fall asleep most nights no problem. But, over the last week or two I have been waking at about the same time each night and then start tossing and turning and going over all kinds of things in my head and, of course, this makes things that much worse. My mind is telling me that I really want to sleep but at the same time it tells me that I need to get up and do things.
I say that all this waking up and thinking, tossing and just plain being awake in the middle of the nhight has caused most of my weight gain and failed attempts at losing it at all. I am extremly frustrated. I have tried exercise before sleeping. I have tried warm milk. I have tried just going to bed when I am tired. I have tried nice relaxing showers. I have tried a massage (of sorts). I have even tried some pills to get myself to sleep. All this to no avail.
I have yet to figure out exactly why this is happening to me. I feel like the incredible non-sleeping person. I can honestly say that I don't like noise of any sort while I sleep and if I happen to hear noise when trying to get back to sleep or can't just seem to get comfortable, it only makes the situation worse. I really can't tolerate it when I wake up and my husband is in bed and is snoring. That makes my heart race and makes it worse. But, if he doesn't come to bed by a certain time, then I wake up. I feel as though I am not able to win this battle.
Here it is now at 3:30 in the morning and I have probably been awake for more than 2 hours already. Went to bed at around 10:30 and went to sleep around 11 after reading. Woke at around 12:15 because the husband hadn't come to bed yet. Fell asleep and didn't hear him come in tonight, but at 1:30 woke up. Have been tossing and turning since then and finally got myself up out of bed and started crying and pacing and here it is at this hour in the night when all others have had at least 3 hours of sleep by now. I don't know what I am to do.....If I go to bed when I am tired, I can't sleep, if it exercise or whatever, I don't get enough sleep......guess the question is, 'what is the right amount of sleep for me?'
I am still waiting for that answer......and then, will I actually start losing weight if I can sleep through the night? I do notice that on most nights when this happens, I can actually not eat before bed, but will gain anywhere from 3-5 lbs!!!! How ridiculous!!!
well, guess I will ready/study for a while now before everyone gets up! See ya later!
I seem to be able to fall asleep most nights no problem. But, over the last week or two I have been waking at about the same time each night and then start tossing and turning and going over all kinds of things in my head and, of course, this makes things that much worse. My mind is telling me that I really want to sleep but at the same time it tells me that I need to get up and do things.
I say that all this waking up and thinking, tossing and just plain being awake in the middle of the nhight has caused most of my weight gain and failed attempts at losing it at all. I am extremly frustrated. I have tried exercise before sleeping. I have tried warm milk. I have tried just going to bed when I am tired. I have tried nice relaxing showers. I have tried a massage (of sorts). I have even tried some pills to get myself to sleep. All this to no avail.
I have yet to figure out exactly why this is happening to me. I feel like the incredible non-sleeping person. I can honestly say that I don't like noise of any sort while I sleep and if I happen to hear noise when trying to get back to sleep or can't just seem to get comfortable, it only makes the situation worse. I really can't tolerate it when I wake up and my husband is in bed and is snoring. That makes my heart race and makes it worse. But, if he doesn't come to bed by a certain time, then I wake up. I feel as though I am not able to win this battle.
Here it is now at 3:30 in the morning and I have probably been awake for more than 2 hours already. Went to bed at around 10:30 and went to sleep around 11 after reading. Woke at around 12:15 because the husband hadn't come to bed yet. Fell asleep and didn't hear him come in tonight, but at 1:30 woke up. Have been tossing and turning since then and finally got myself up out of bed and started crying and pacing and here it is at this hour in the night when all others have had at least 3 hours of sleep by now. I don't know what I am to do.....If I go to bed when I am tired, I can't sleep, if it exercise or whatever, I don't get enough sleep......guess the question is, 'what is the right amount of sleep for me?'
I am still waiting for that answer......and then, will I actually start losing weight if I can sleep through the night? I do notice that on most nights when this happens, I can actually not eat before bed, but will gain anywhere from 3-5 lbs!!!! How ridiculous!!!
well, guess I will ready/study for a while now before everyone gets up! See ya later!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Change
My how we all change over time. I sat last week and had some very challenging things to grow into. There was a ton of activity at home and then there was a teaching that I was asked to prepare for on Friday night. Our prayer team at church is called P.U.S.H. ; which means Pray Until Something Happens. Well, we had planned to do an all night prayer time of learning and teaching. At about the minute I was asked to prepare something to teach, I think I panicked and went numb.
What was I to teach, how was I to write something I didn't feel qualified to tell everyone else and how well would it be received. Then, I came to realization that no matter what I said, unless it was ordained by God that I do it, then I was never going to be good enough. I think I learned more from just putting all the teaching together than from actually being prepared for the time.
At the event, there was 4 teachers who were involved. It was a nice time. It was an easy time to be awake for all who came. We had a really good turnout. And we thank God that so many were able and willing to come. Then, there was the song preparation for Sunday morning. That was a whole nother idea in itself. I was petrified and didn't want to ruin it and didn't feel prepared. Well, there I was up on the stage prepared to sing and then the music began. I was lost and the music didn't want to cooperate. I had a lot of comments because I didn't sing. I think people were more impressed that I didn't sing than that I did. Oh well, not to be disappointed.
So, I was asked to prepare for the possibility of doing something that night at the evening service, well we had a wonderful spirit-filled service and I felt ok that it was almost over. Then, the pastor startled me and asked me to sing anyway, so I gave it a shot. I think it was ok.
Oh yes, change has come and gone over time. The oldest comes and asks me questions and I can't believe that time has brought me closer to the point where she will be able to make her own decisions for her life and base her own future on her own choices. I hope that I have done everything right by her and not done damage. I am so thankful that she is a beautiful young woman who is being formed by God to His will. I pray every day that she is strong enough to stand by her own convictions and do what is right and make good choices, and that she will marry a man who has the same beliefs that she carries.
It makes me cry to think that, now that all the changes I think I have been ready the handle are here, how much I am going to miss having the little girl around who just needed to be tickled to be calmed as a baby. And told that she is good person who I love and is loved by all around her.
What was I to teach, how was I to write something I didn't feel qualified to tell everyone else and how well would it be received. Then, I came to realization that no matter what I said, unless it was ordained by God that I do it, then I was never going to be good enough. I think I learned more from just putting all the teaching together than from actually being prepared for the time.
At the event, there was 4 teachers who were involved. It was a nice time. It was an easy time to be awake for all who came. We had a really good turnout. And we thank God that so many were able and willing to come. Then, there was the song preparation for Sunday morning. That was a whole nother idea in itself. I was petrified and didn't want to ruin it and didn't feel prepared. Well, there I was up on the stage prepared to sing and then the music began. I was lost and the music didn't want to cooperate. I had a lot of comments because I didn't sing. I think people were more impressed that I didn't sing than that I did. Oh well, not to be disappointed.
So, I was asked to prepare for the possibility of doing something that night at the evening service, well we had a wonderful spirit-filled service and I felt ok that it was almost over. Then, the pastor startled me and asked me to sing anyway, so I gave it a shot. I think it was ok.
Oh yes, change has come and gone over time. The oldest comes and asks me questions and I can't believe that time has brought me closer to the point where she will be able to make her own decisions for her life and base her own future on her own choices. I hope that I have done everything right by her and not done damage. I am so thankful that she is a beautiful young woman who is being formed by God to His will. I pray every day that she is strong enough to stand by her own convictions and do what is right and make good choices, and that she will marry a man who has the same beliefs that she carries.
It makes me cry to think that, now that all the changes I think I have been ready the handle are here, how much I am going to miss having the little girl around who just needed to be tickled to be calmed as a baby. And told that she is good person who I love and is loved by all around her.
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