I pose this question after many, many months of soul searching. Wondering if it is just me, or if things have just changed around me and I recognize it more. I try searching for answers only to come to the same conclusion. There isn't anyone who genuinely cares about anyone else. I say this because of some of my own interactions with others.
Oh, I know, I could go into a lot of detail about a lot of things but, that only brings about hurt, anger, pain and more confusion. So in keeping with things that are supposed to be 'christian' I am not going to keep a log of all that sort of stuff (I already have a full dufflebag that needs to be emptied). I am just going to put it all aside and pray. Pray that I am able to gain more insight into what my real purpose is here and if there are people around me who truly do care.
I am trying to get involved in lives of others around me, but seem to have many, many doors shut in my face or just left wide opened and not answered. I am not allowed to become close to those in my community because I am seen as an outsider. This is true of so many small towns where one person can be related to at least 1,000 others in the area. So, in offending one, you in essence offend all of them and if you speak badly about one of them and so on.
Church offers me no better solutions to this problem either. There is truly only so much that one person can do when they ask to be involved in things that are of interest to them, or to just plain out and out ask to be involved to have no follow-up given or just kind of be brushed off like you never said anything at all about your interest or involvement in that project or what not. That being said, there are those who hurt feelings even without any regard to thinking that you were ever asking to be involved. It does hurt and you do feel rejected when those kinds of things happen. And then when you act differently, they say something to someone else who has nothing to do with any of it and what do you say. You really can't because they just wouldn't understand.
That is just plain frustrating. People in a small church don't need to rely just on a few to fill the role of many. This just doesn't work and sure makes others feel pretty alone when the only times you call or make contact is when you want something from them. That is pretty lonely to have a life that doesn't exist except inside the walls of the building. Then I really don't want anything to do with them at all because if that is the way I am treated, I certainly don't want to be part of that. It does give 'Christianity' a really bad name and leaves a really rotten taste in your mouth.
I am so frustrated with all of this and certainly cannot begin to express how I am feeling to them because they would simply say that I don't try hard enough or that its not true. How do they know?? Are they really checking up on me? Certainly not! Any friends there? NO! Anyone care that I don't come? Nope again! Does it really matter that I do or don't come? No and No! Sometimes the pain of that is so real.....I have tried to involve myself, but what I believe that my ministry is and what I have a passion for are not part of what this body is tied to. Those things are beyond where I feel that my calling is. This is stifling and limiting me. I am quite nearly at my wits end of trying to just fit in.
All I have asked for is someone who will be willing to ask me to be involved, a follow-up to a question or an acknowledgment that is not something fake or forced just because it has to be done. I, just like everyone else I know, like to be appreciated for who I am, what I can contribute and what I have that is an offering to make things work better. But that too seems like something that is never going to happen. I can't make people like me. I can't make people want my cell number, I can't make people reach out to me. I try to and get rejected. On so many levels....I am just hurt!
I don't have much to say to them, they are not who I thought they were and this isn't where I belong any more.
Sadly,
Alone
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Meanderings
After such a long time away, there has been many changes that have occurred. On July 4th was the first anniversary of my mom's death. It was an ok time. But since that time, I have struggled with many things. The loss of others in my family, along with a major surgery have left me with many thoughts that aren't great! We lost my uncle, who was diagnosed with a type of lymphatic leukemia around the same time my mom was diagnosed with her cancer. Also we lost my beloved grandpa, who was a spry 98 years young. Both on the same day and within 18 hours of each other! This was all only in God's timing because these events occurred over the Christmas break when all my kids were home from school and we could travel to NY for the funerals.
Things have been so different around here knowing that I can't talk to my mom or my grandpa. He was such a great man; my mom full of knowledge.
There have been struggles in trying to deal with elevated sugar levels since my surgery. Especially disheartening since I have been doing a bit more exercise, eating at home more often and just trying to watch my diet. I'm feel a bit discouraged by the higher numbers and inability to control those through medication, exercise and diet.
I feel lost, lonely, alone, sad, disheartened, discouraged. So many things. I know that God is always with me and will protect me when I am going through these things.So much of this has me just kind of up-in-arms.
I am happy and sad over my children growing, changing and becoming persons that they are called to be. I know that they each must go through things to help them grow and become loving, open, independent adults. I just don't necessarily like the process for me. I can only listen and encourage them as they go along with life at a pace that is coming like a herd of horses running across a field from delight.
Anyway, times will hit me and remind me of things that I honestly, have done wrong and just fail to take responsibility for and grow from. I think that I want to hang onto them....and know that I can't!
Our dogs (Allie and Baby) are just reminders that life is just that simple. Relax, depend on God and lay in his lap for comfort, warmth, strength and joy! It isn't hard to figure out! I need to remind myself of this fact more often!
In His love and peace
Things have been so different around here knowing that I can't talk to my mom or my grandpa. He was such a great man; my mom full of knowledge.
There have been struggles in trying to deal with elevated sugar levels since my surgery. Especially disheartening since I have been doing a bit more exercise, eating at home more often and just trying to watch my diet. I'm feel a bit discouraged by the higher numbers and inability to control those through medication, exercise and diet.
I feel lost, lonely, alone, sad, disheartened, discouraged. So many things. I know that God is always with me and will protect me when I am going through these things.So much of this has me just kind of up-in-arms.
I am happy and sad over my children growing, changing and becoming persons that they are called to be. I know that they each must go through things to help them grow and become loving, open, independent adults. I just don't necessarily like the process for me. I can only listen and encourage them as they go along with life at a pace that is coming like a herd of horses running across a field from delight.
Anyway, times will hit me and remind me of things that I honestly, have done wrong and just fail to take responsibility for and grow from. I think that I want to hang onto them....and know that I can't!
Our dogs (Allie and Baby) are just reminders that life is just that simple. Relax, depend on God and lay in his lap for comfort, warmth, strength and joy! It isn't hard to figure out! I need to remind myself of this fact more often!
In His love and peace
Saturday, June 15, 2013
On toward the future!
I guess that a good blogger doesn't forget to blog. I have been in a state of not wanting to be alone with my thoughts lately. I have been remembering things from the course of this last year recently along with the memories of my mother's passing nearly one year ago now.
I have sometimes recalled that things that have happened for the very purpose of changing both my mind and my attitude. Thinking upon lots of things sometimes is not very good for ones psyche. Other times, it can be great. Most of the time for me has been spent thinking of good times, events that are noteworthy to me and the future ahead.
I am looking this year at the graduation of my second child who will be attending school North of here and also still the attendance of my oldest, who will be a junior this coming fall in the South-west.
The youngest, who is still the only young teen in the house, still has another 4 years to go before we get him all set off to doing what ever it is that will determine his future.
Time sure has a way of changing really fast. It makes me sad and lonely to have more freedom now than I have had in quite some time - years, really. I am excited to see what the future holds for all the kids and know that things have to change for the sake of each and every one of them. It is scary also. Because, what if.....Oh, the 'What ifs?'.
Well, we can not determine what lies ahead for any of us, but we can know that with God's love, grace, mercy, direction and kindness, He knows exactly what all of that looks like. We sometimes forget to just help him and go along with His plan. Let us not forget to be ever so thankful each and every day, and every moment of every day that we are His creation. Created for His purpose and His pleasures. That we are to not forget where we come from and never to forget where we are going to.
Peace and Love.
I have sometimes recalled that things that have happened for the very purpose of changing both my mind and my attitude. Thinking upon lots of things sometimes is not very good for ones psyche. Other times, it can be great. Most of the time for me has been spent thinking of good times, events that are noteworthy to me and the future ahead.
I am looking this year at the graduation of my second child who will be attending school North of here and also still the attendance of my oldest, who will be a junior this coming fall in the South-west.
The youngest, who is still the only young teen in the house, still has another 4 years to go before we get him all set off to doing what ever it is that will determine his future.
Time sure has a way of changing really fast. It makes me sad and lonely to have more freedom now than I have had in quite some time - years, really. I am excited to see what the future holds for all the kids and know that things have to change for the sake of each and every one of them. It is scary also. Because, what if.....Oh, the 'What ifs?'.
Well, we can not determine what lies ahead for any of us, but we can know that with God's love, grace, mercy, direction and kindness, He knows exactly what all of that looks like. We sometimes forget to just help him and go along with His plan. Let us not forget to be ever so thankful each and every day, and every moment of every day that we are His creation. Created for His purpose and His pleasures. That we are to not forget where we come from and never to forget where we are going to.
Peace and Love.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Happiness
Happiness is not all about just being physically comfortable, and excited in the moment. Happiness, is about accepting things in your life that are not what we necessarily want and moving toward acceptance to all of them.
When we think we are happy with where we are, who we are and what we are doing, we might think twice about how that thought is getting us further toward living a life that is consistent with true acceptance and forgiveness. This forgiveness is something that we learn to be more content with ourselves and not being upset about things outside of our control.
Yes, we are human and make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't still be happy about our lives or things that we can change to make ourselves better. Sometimes, we don't know what to change about ourselves unless others in our lives open up and tell us more about ourselves that can certainly enhance things in our own lives. We also cannot have happiness or forgiveness without the love of Jesus Christ in our lives.
This past Christmas has been a time when I have reflected on all of these things. Having family around and talking, there is certainly a new 'normal' since my Mother has passed on in July. We have all been affected by her passing and for me, this has given me a new perspective on how I handle family, friends and other relationships. I find that God has truly given me a very big blessing in my immediate family (ie - my husband and children). I have also seen so many other things that have been both good and bad. I realize that nothing can change me, except me!
Things are good all around me and I have to be willing to say, "You have no reason to complain about anything. You have such a good life and things are truly OK."
Change is never easy and require a lot of work. If I am not willing to do the work, I am never going to change and things around me may just turn out to be the same or worse than if I put a little more effort into becoming a better person and just work through the pain like someone in a new training regime.
When we think we are happy with where we are, who we are and what we are doing, we might think twice about how that thought is getting us further toward living a life that is consistent with true acceptance and forgiveness. This forgiveness is something that we learn to be more content with ourselves and not being upset about things outside of our control.
Yes, we are human and make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't still be happy about our lives or things that we can change to make ourselves better. Sometimes, we don't know what to change about ourselves unless others in our lives open up and tell us more about ourselves that can certainly enhance things in our own lives. We also cannot have happiness or forgiveness without the love of Jesus Christ in our lives.
This past Christmas has been a time when I have reflected on all of these things. Having family around and talking, there is certainly a new 'normal' since my Mother has passed on in July. We have all been affected by her passing and for me, this has given me a new perspective on how I handle family, friends and other relationships. I find that God has truly given me a very big blessing in my immediate family (ie - my husband and children). I have also seen so many other things that have been both good and bad. I realize that nothing can change me, except me!
Things are good all around me and I have to be willing to say, "You have no reason to complain about anything. You have such a good life and things are truly OK."
Change is never easy and require a lot of work. If I am not willing to do the work, I am never going to change and things around me may just turn out to be the same or worse than if I put a little more effort into becoming a better person and just work through the pain like someone in a new training regime.
Fighting, for sure!
Yes, I agree with what the authors of "The Fight of Our Lives" had to say about what is happening in the world today in regard to battle that we face each and every day as true Christians who pursue after our own relationship with Christ. If we aren't careful, we can fall into some very large traps that have been set up for us everywhere.
When Liebsohn and Williams talk about all of the different characteristics of our walk and daily trial, I realize that the things they are speaking about come directly from the Bible which should be every Christians source for looking at anything happening in the end times.
So many little things happening come from the small area of our world and we aren't even aware of all of it until someone brings them about like these two have. Thanks for getting some of this information out because we can't always trust other media sources.
When Liebsohn and Williams talk about all of the different characteristics of our walk and daily trial, I realize that the things they are speaking about come directly from the Bible which should be every Christians source for looking at anything happening in the end times.
So many little things happening come from the small area of our world and we aren't even aware of all of it until someone brings them about like these two have. Thanks for getting some of this information out because we can't always trust other media sources.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Sad moments
All things considered, I have had quite a while to think on so many different things.
After visiting my mom in June, I decided to call my brother from Alaska and tell him that I thought things weren't good with my mom. It just didn't feel right to leave these things unsaid. He decided to visit her earlier than the August time he had given himself.
After a bit of time, I felt as though I needed to be there as well to just 'talk' a few things over and get prepared for the next few months/days, etc that we would be facing knowing that my mom was deteriorating at a pace we could not anticipate.
After arriving the 29th of June, we spent 5 days talking, watching and preparing for some really rough weeks ahead since my mom was given Hospice the day after we arrived.
Preparations were made and round the clock care was given and early in the morning hours on July 4th - and at 78 years of age, she passed. I am so glad that it was quick, but I miss her and things will not be the same for any of us.
My family drove to be here for me and it was a long few days and some very tearful moments, but life has and will move on from here. I know that I have a newfound respect for those who experience loss like this. I have changed some of my perceptions, not for the worse, but in a better way. I have come to think of so many different things in such a different way that I feel the Spirit in my life more.
Yes, I am deeply saddened by this, but I know that my Mom is now in a much better place than any of us could ever have imagined and no one can ever take away all of those memories, both good and bad from any of us. We simply must adjust to a new life devoid of the one who loved us in a way sometimes even we don't understand.
Now it is a different responsibility to take on the care of the ones left behind who don't have the companionship of their spouse/mother around. To make my sister understand probably will never happen, but at least we can know that she will probably never forget nor will she ever stop asking about what happened to 'Mommy' and when she is going to come and visit her again.
All we can say now is, "When we all get to heaven, what a glorious day that will be!"
I love you Mother and will never forget the life you were to so many around you.ijkatie@frontier.com
After visiting my mom in June, I decided to call my brother from Alaska and tell him that I thought things weren't good with my mom. It just didn't feel right to leave these things unsaid. He decided to visit her earlier than the August time he had given himself.
After a bit of time, I felt as though I needed to be there as well to just 'talk' a few things over and get prepared for the next few months/days, etc that we would be facing knowing that my mom was deteriorating at a pace we could not anticipate.
After arriving the 29th of June, we spent 5 days talking, watching and preparing for some really rough weeks ahead since my mom was given Hospice the day after we arrived.
Preparations were made and round the clock care was given and early in the morning hours on July 4th - and at 78 years of age, she passed. I am so glad that it was quick, but I miss her and things will not be the same for any of us.
My family drove to be here for me and it was a long few days and some very tearful moments, but life has and will move on from here. I know that I have a newfound respect for those who experience loss like this. I have changed some of my perceptions, not for the worse, but in a better way. I have come to think of so many different things in such a different way that I feel the Spirit in my life more.
Yes, I am deeply saddened by this, but I know that my Mom is now in a much better place than any of us could ever have imagined and no one can ever take away all of those memories, both good and bad from any of us. We simply must adjust to a new life devoid of the one who loved us in a way sometimes even we don't understand.
Now it is a different responsibility to take on the care of the ones left behind who don't have the companionship of their spouse/mother around. To make my sister understand probably will never happen, but at least we can know that she will probably never forget nor will she ever stop asking about what happened to 'Mommy' and when she is going to come and visit her again.
All we can say now is, "When we all get to heaven, what a glorious day that will be!"
I love you Mother and will never forget the life you were to so many around you.ijkatie@frontier.com
School down and now vacation!
There has been so much that has happened. One full year of college completed for the oldest, and she sure has changed. She is showing more signs of maturity. The middle child is on her journey to complte school this next year. Should be exciting. The youngest is just beginning to grow and show signs that he is truly just now beginning to be a teen.
The things that I havw been thinking about lately has more to do with my aging mom. She's not that old but, she has begun to show her age since last Aug when she had an initial surgery snd they told her she has cancer. Then she has been having treatments and another surgery for fused bowels with 6 inches removed. More treatment and then a fall wich she fractured her knee, pelvis and broke her arm just below the shoulder both vertical and horizontal.
All things considered, I thought she would be ok, but I was wrong. A typical vacation at her home was expected this June. That didn't happen. She just wasn't herself and I left wondering what was going to happen.
It makes me so sad to hear her trying to prepare us for things to come and being so snippy when I truly know she doesn't really mean to be. We are looking forward to some good times to come.
We'll see what happens.
The things that I havw been thinking about lately has more to do with my aging mom. She's not that old but, she has begun to show her age since last Aug when she had an initial surgery snd they told her she has cancer. Then she has been having treatments and another surgery for fused bowels with 6 inches removed. More treatment and then a fall wich she fractured her knee, pelvis and broke her arm just below the shoulder both vertical and horizontal.
All things considered, I thought she would be ok, but I was wrong. A typical vacation at her home was expected this June. That didn't happen. She just wasn't herself and I left wondering what was going to happen.
It makes me so sad to hear her trying to prepare us for things to come and being so snippy when I truly know she doesn't really mean to be. We are looking forward to some good times to come.
We'll see what happens.
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